Ever since Myrtle Calaman's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer?s disease several years ago, Horick, and her brother, like many adult children with aging parents, found themselves faced with tough decisions regarding the health and well being of their mother.
?Not only is it difficult for children to suddenly be making decisions for their parents while often balancing their own families and full-time jobs, it?s often equally hard for aging parents to ask for help or accept that they need it,? said Eva Siegel, a licensed therapist with Guidance Associates of Pennsylvania. ?That?s why it?s important for families to have ongoing conversations about sensitive subjects before the need becomes urgent.?
Although every family?s situation is different, local experts offered the following tips on everything from picking up on signs that an aging parent needs help to talking about options and dealing with resistance to finding support in making transitions.
Recognize Red Flags
Maybe when you visit your dad you notice that he has unopened mail piling up. Or you realize that your mom, who was always meticulous about her appearance, is dressing sloppy and not doing her hair. Perhaps you?ve noticed unexplained dings and dents on their car.
?It?s important for family members to make an extra effort to observe and listen to their aging loved ones,'' said nurse Stacie Allen
?Some signs are more apparent then others,? says Stacie Allen, outreach coordinator and senior nurse liaison for the Visiting Nurse Association of Central Pennsylvania. ?It?s important for family members to make an extra effort to observe and listen to their aging loved ones. They could be hiding bruises from falls or brushing off a serious health condition as just being normal aches and pains of getting older.?
While some signs may mean your loved one just needs some extra help in their home, issues such as poor memory, judgment and perception could also be the early stages of Alzheimer?s or dementia. Even in the early stages, a momentary absence of thought can be disastrous for an elderly person while driving, working around the house or taking medications.
?After our father passed away, my brother and I tried in-home care for our mom, which was great, but she never wanted to leave the house and I felt like she was slipping further away from us,? Horick said. ?There were several occasions when she didn?t even recognize us. That?s when we knew it was time to consider a personal care home.?
Anticipate Resistance
Just over a year ago, Sandy Troxell of Lower Paxton Township helped her 86-year-old mother move from Pottstown to The Manor at Oakridge, an independent living community in Susquehanna Township. While her mother, who has macular degeneration, is now happy in her new environment, Troxell admitted that it?s been a long road.
?It started when my father passed away in 2008,? Troxell said. ?Anytime my sister or I would try to offer help she put up a wall. It was especially difficult when she would get mad or resentful over things I?d do or suggest. Over the past year she?s become more aware that her memory is getting worse and now she?s more than willing to let me take over and make decisions.?
For older adults, changes such as no longer being able to drive, make financial decisions or live on their own represents a major loss of independence. It?s important for adult children to be sensitive to these concerns.
?The best way for children to talk to their parent is to sit down and have a frank conversation with them,? said Anne C. Peiffer, Vice President for Public Relations and Development at Cornwall Manor in Cornwall. ?Children can say they?ve noticed that they are not eating, haven?t been going to church or are sleeping a lot and that they are concerned for their health and safety.?
Encourage your parent to see that by refusing to accept help they may not only end up in the hospital or in rehab, they could even jeopardize the life of someone else, Siegel said.
?When I realized my mom should no longer be driving, I simply told her that if she kept driving there could be an accident, someone could sue and she would lose everything that her and dad worked their whole lives for,? Troxell said. ?Two days later she told me that she decided to sell her car.?
Discuss options early
It?s not easy for adult children to accept that a parent?s health is declining or to find themselves in the role of caregiver, said Matthew Gallardo, a Messiah Lifeways coach, who offers advice to caregivers. The biggest mistake families can make is to prolong talking to their loved one about their options, he said.
?Waiting until the eleventh hour to make decisions puts a lot of pressure on everyone involved,? Gallardo said. ?For families who are thinking about retirement communities or personal care facilities, they could risk not getting their top choice because of long waiting lists.?Families should also go over finances and have an idea of what they can afford or what types of financial resources that might apply to them, Gallardo said. After hearing a financial planner speak about the Veterans Aid and Attendance Benefit, Troxell realized her mother qualified. As a result, she filled out an application and her mother was granted enough financial support to cover a big chunk of her monthly fees.
Gallardo also suggested that families find ways to introduce their loved one to a retirement community in subtle ways before taking them on a formal tour. For example, Messiah Village hosts numerous concerts and events open to the public and it has two restaurants on its campus.
Seek out Support
?Take the time to research and find the appropriate resources for your family?s specific situation,? said Bob Burns, Director of the Dauphin County Area Agency on Aging, which provides numerous services and support for aging adults and their caregivers.
Local chapters of organizations like the American Cancer Society, Diabetes Association or the Alzheimer?s Association may be able to help, he said.
Troxell, who assumed legal responsibility for her mother, found that having a financial planner as a go-to person took a lot of the stress off her shoulders. He was able to help her navigate much of the financial aid applications and paperwork. In addition, she recently began attending a monthly Parent Caregiver?s Support Group offered through PinnacleHealth.
?Meeting others in similar situations has really helped,? Troxell said. ?It?s a great opportunity to network, exchange resources and share some laughs.?
Source: http://www.pennlive.com/bodyandmind/index.ssf/2013/07/reversing_roles_advice_on_how.html???Source: http://elderplanner.blogspot.com/2013/07/take-time-to-research-appropriate-elder.html
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